In a word... Natalie. In December 2011 I found out I was pregnant. After that day, something inside me changed, forced me to look at my life and try to see the world the way my child would. Would she like the world I would be bringing her in to? What kind of values do I want to cultivate in her? Am I living the kind of life that would make her proud? When she looked at her father and I, what would she see? Will she see someone who is determined, someone with goals, someone who knew what she wanted out of life and went for it? Before Natalie, I was content with my life as a wife working multiple jobs at hotels and helping adults with special needs... but there was always this little voice in the back of my head asking... "Why aren't you writing? You should be writing. You KNOW that's what you need to be doing." If you asked my mother she would tell you that voice was God pointing me in the direction I needed to be going. If you asked my best friend she would say it was just my inner most desires making their way into my consciousness. If you asked a shrink, well, I think it would be safe to say she would have prescribed me a lovely little pill bottle with my name scrawled on the side... I'm rambling, I do that a lot... but as I was saying... I was content with my life, but not necessarily proud of it. You see, I knew what I Really should be doing. I was just too chicken shit to actually do it.
Writing a novel is not a scary experience. Sharing you novel is a whole other story.
Once you share your novel, it is out there forever. You are literally giving the world access to the world and characters that live inside your head. You are giving readers the authority to judge you and your work. And as a Romantic Suspense author I have the added benefit of writing somewhat racy scenes that are typical of my genre. No big deal, right? Until you realize that your mother, grandmother, and inevitably in-laws will be reading these between the sheets details... Embarrassing does not even come close to explaining it. But sex is a part of the story, particularly one of this genre and I just have to learn to accept that I can't make censored versions for my mom and grandmother even if it would make my post book reading discussions with them less awkward.
Once I decided I have to share my work, not just keep it hidden away in my writing desk, I had to decide just how I wanted to share it. I sent out queries, tried to fit my novel into the way publishing houses wanted them to be, I even had been asked to send in my full manuscript to a publisher... but it felt wrong, somehow. Changing my novel to fit someone else's business model giving over all my rights to something I poured my heart into... I don't know, just didn't seem to appeal to me. It would be prestigious sure, but it would be a fake prestige. One that I would never quite feel like I actually earned, because my books don't fit into some neatly marketable box. But, maybe they shouldn't. I guess I'm not that kind of writer. Not that there is anything at all wrong with those kind of writers. Writing for a traditional publisher is extremely hard to get into, and you don't get there by being a poor writer. But there are just as good writers that for whatever reason just don't seem to be a good fit for Traditional publishing. I guess I'm one of them.
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